you sense that something is wrong about the way your
partner is behaving. He comes in late, doesn’t
spend quality time with you and the kids. Whenever you
ask he either avoids the topic or says there is lot
of work load. If you call him on the cell during work
it’s switched off and if you call at office he
is not there. When you ask him about it he says he was
out for a meeting etc. Lots of doubts have already started
creeping up and you are worried sick about it. You are
thinking that he might be cheating on you. You can sense
that he has been lying to you but you wonder, "How
can I tell if my partner is lying?” There is a
reliable way to find out if your partner is lying. Just
follow the following steps.
First, make sure you really want to know the truth.
These techniques work very quickly, so before using
them you need to be sure what you really want. Just
remember one thing that every relationship thrives on
love, honesty and trust. And if trust and honesty are
broken then there can be no love in your relationship.
Think carefully about the exact question you want answered.
Sex and money are the two subjects partners lie about
most. In order to get at the truth, your question, regardless
of the subject, needs to be specific and to the point.
Threfore avoid beating about the bush. For example,
don't ask, "Do you find so-and-so attractive?"
if what you really want to know is, "Have you had
sex with so-and-so?" or “Since when are you
having an affair with so-and-so?”
Learn the Three Red Flags that signal concealment.
Red Flag No. 1: Body
Language Indicating Concealment. In the first few seconds
after you ask your question, notice if your partner
shows any of the following body language:
-- When you ask the question, does he or she suddenly
touch the face or cover part of it?
shift -- Does the person suddenly change the
position of his or her arms or legs? Two common reactions:
crossing arms over chest quickly and crossing one leg
shift -- When you ask the question, does he
or she shift eyes away from contact or lock into a hard
stare of excessively intense eye contact?
turn -- Does the person turn his or her body
away from you slightly?
Flag No. 2: Voice Mannerisms Indicating Concealment.
When you ask a question that exposes a lie, your partner's
voice will often give clues to the real truth. Listen
for these reactions in the first few seconds after you
ask the question:
shift -- Does the person's voice suddenly go
up or down in pitch?
shift -- Does he or she suddenly begin speaking
and haws -- Does the person cough, clear the
throat or fumble around vocally with a sudden increase
in filler words such as "er," "um,"
Flag No. 3: Attitude Reactions Indicating Concealment.
Instead of answering a question with the simple truth,
your partner may defensively avoid the question with
a sudden display of attitude. Watch for these reactions
in the first few seconds after asking a question:
-- Does he or she react with hostility? (For example,
you ask, "Have you had sex with So-and-so?"
and your partner responds with, "Why the hell would
you ask a thing like that?" instead of a simple
yes or no.)
-- Does he or she react with indignation? (You
ask, "Have you had sex with so-and-so?" Your
partner responds with, "I'm offended that you could
even think such a thought!")
-- Does he or she respond to your question
with a question instead of an answer? (You ask, "Have
you had sex with so-and-so?" Your partner responds
with, "Why are you doing this to me?")
Before asking the big question, first get a baseline
by noticing if your partner shows any Red Flags when
you ask simple and normal questions. Ask a simple yes-or-no
question your partner is not likely to lie about: "Do
you want eggs this morning?" or "Is the coffee
cold?" Watch the reaction carefully. You probably
won't see any Red Flags when you ask these questions,
but you need to get a baseline to find out if your mate
does any of the Red Flags under normal, non-lying circumstances.
Pop the crucial question and watch the reactions. Be
mindful of timing, though. Don't do any of this while
either of you are driving or operating equipment of
any kind. If you have children, make sure that they
are not around.
If you have caught him lying then don’t think
that you have won and he/she needs to be punished. The
real issues that need to be confronted are those that
gave rise to the lie. It is important to understand
what triggered the lie and what you and your partner
can do to bring love and trust back into your relationship.
There is a strong tendency to engage in blame and accusation
at such a time thereby bringing in lots of anger, hatred
and resentment. What you need is to try and understand
your partner, listen and listen to him/her, give him/her
one more change and seek assistance from counselor.