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 Dealing With In-Laws
I remember
the first time I met my in-laws.We were in a restaurant
in the middle of a a Delhi winter.But,I drank 5 glasses of
water in sheer nervousness.This before the first course had
even arrived.Then my father-in-law offered me another glass
of water,and we all started laughing.You could say it broke
the ice.I won't say that we lived happily ever after,but that
one incident was the first step to understanding each other.It
did take us all a bit of time to adjust to each other,but
i could safely say that we have a good equation between us
now,and we are proud to be family.
So,how do we all cope with our in-laws or new families?It's a sensitive relationship
and both sides have to have a certain kind of attitude to
make it work.Sometimes it's not the best of relationships
in the world, but maybe with a little diplomacy and a little
caring,you could make it go a long way for you.
Breaking
the Ice
All married people,irrespective of their
gender,will shudder when they tell you about their first meeting
with in-laws.Yet,it's often the most important time to make
the right impression.After all,gone are the days when parents
chose their children's spouses,it's now the other way round.So
establishing a good relationship with each other's parents
is very important.
However,there are some ways in which you can establish the
upper hand.Learn a little more about your new family.Try and
spend a little time getting to know specific things about
your prospective in-laws from your betrothed before you really
meet them properly.If you can understand what makes them tick,this
could help break the ice before even meet them.Samita,who
got married a couple of months ago,did exactly that.When she
got to know that her sister-in-law was an artist,she took
along a set of paints for her when she went to their place.She
laughs,"Her face sort of,just lit up,because she didn't except
such a personalized gift from me.We hit it off so well after
that night,that she actually gifted me a beautiful painting
for my birthday last month."
Of course,everyone doesn't have specific interests,but still
it's nice to understand other people's personality quirks.It
will help you to understand why your mother-in-law doesn't
like to speak for the first one hour in the morning till she
has done her puja,or why your father-in-law feels so happy
when you read out the news to him.
Learning
to Adjust
It's not always easy to leave your entire past life and adjust
to the whims and fancies of a new family.If you thought only
girls were the ones to bear the brunt of an adjustment crisis,think
again.Gautam,who has been married for the past three years,quips,."Every
time we visited my wife's house,one had to wish each family
member 'good morning' and 'goodnight'.I come from a very informal
family,and i found it very odd but i guess it's good manners
in a way."
Someone once told me that even if you have to cover your head
with a sari pallu,and touch people's feet, it doesn't change
who you are internally.That one statement made me look at
things very differently.So,even when i did have to do small
little things to accomodate my in-laws,I didn't feel any resentment
about it.In fact,the goodwill it generated was tremendous.
Aroshi Gupta,married for three years now reveals,"When I first
realized that jeans etc.were complete no-no in my new family,I
was taken aback.I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of
living upto the high expectations as an ideal bahu but,I think
even they saw the effort I was putting into radically altering
my way of dressing,speaking etc.Soon, they began to persuade
me to wear the clothes I usually wore.I think,the initial
three-four months were crucial for them.When they saw how
open I was to adjustment,they too wanted to be more flexible
in return.When people love you,then they accept you for what
you are.But,if I had been adamant from the beginning itself,then
maybe they too would have been more wary."
Dealing
with Problems
It's not always a bed of roses out there.Ultimately,this is
a sensitive relationship and things can go quite awry.Yet,there
is also good news.Marriage counsellor Rupa Dhar points out
that "if there are going to be problems ,they usually surface
within the first six months of living together".It could be
anything from a poky mother-in-law to hordes of relatives
descending on you every holiday season.The way to deal with
it,is to discuss with family members whom you are close to.Confiding
in a sibling in-law or in your spouse does go a long way to
help,because they may be able to deal with the problem more
effectively than you.Rupa adds "Most young couples get caught
in the 'your parents-my parents' trap and end up hurling accusations
at each other rather than trying to solve the problem."
Ultimately when a marriage happens,it does join two families
together,but it also changes the power equation between the
family structure.This can make other people a little insecure
because they may not understand how to deal with a new person
within their private space and routined life and this may
motivate their behavior in a manner very different from what
their natural characteristics actually are.
Rahul and Upsana were married just a few month's when Rahul's
younger sister began reacting badly to Upsana.She smiles "At
first we were dumbfounded,but then we realized that she was
just feeling that no one had time for her anymore."Her insecurity
caused this tension,and it took a lot of attention from the
young couple to get her back to normal.
Of course,one cannot always make people see reason,but it
is worth a try.Like Rupa smillingly adds,"In my experience
I find that both parties want to bridge the gap,but they just
cannot bring themselves to break the ice."
Little
Things That Matter
The first time I went to my husband's ancestral house,I missed
reading the daily newspaper(the village was remote,no English
newspaper came there).When I voiced this hesitantly to my
brother-in-law,his immediate response was to get lots of magazines
and newspapers for me,on his next trip to town.It won me over,more
than any declarations of support.So when you are adjusting
to a new family,keep in mind the small things,rather than
large things.When we emotionally sum up all the reactions
we have from each other,we generally count the smaller things,while
larger issues are always debatable.So,keep in mind that though
the family may not have any problems with your pursuing the
profession of a pop/rock singer,they may feel upset when you
insist on blowing smoke rings in their faces at their dining
table.Similarly,no one may except you to be a great cook,but
they would feel upset if you don't even bother to switch off
the lights when you leave an empty room.
Make
An Ally
Yeah!No marriage counsellor is going to teach you this,but
the fact is,you can't just enter a new territory without making
some inroads first.So try and make a friend(please don't depend
on your spouse as ally,he/she is too busy trying to keep both
sides happy),maybe a sister-in-law,or your mother-in-law or
your father-in-law.Anyone with whom you can establish rapport,and
anyone who will look out for you,and help you learn the ropes,like
who eats what,which festival has to be celebrated how,and
which horrible aunt to absolutely avoid/ignore.In the end
you will find that this aids friendships and the moment one
person accepts you,so will the rest.
So remember, it's actually a whole load of fun and games when
you have a good rapport with your in-laws.Indeed,they are
the best support in time of crisis,and when you need someone
to help you change the baby's nappy.You can laugh with them
and cry with them,and even fight with them,but ultimately
they are family and that is what matters.
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